(interior of jules’ therapist office, November 2004)
“jules, are you going to your mom’s for thanksgiving? It might be nice to be home? jules? jules, did you hear what I asked you?”
jules often wandered off in therapy. she wasn’t even sure why she went half the time and the other half of the time it opened up her losses to the point where she wasn’t sure it was helping as much as bringing it all to the surface.
“I am going to go see mom, but between thanksgiving and christmas so that I can avoid the holiday type shit. I just…can’t…there’s too much…”
“jules, do you think it might be a good idea for you to try a holiday with your mom? no one else will be around and maybe it could give you an opportunity to…”
“i understand why you would say that. you are my therapist after all, but do you have any idea what it was like to go from getting ready to tell everyone we were preg….”
“jules, maybe we should put you under before you….”
“that we were going to be mom….”
jules froze. she just froze at the recollection. everything that mattered to her….was just…
“have you written the letter I suggested to abigail? I think it is best you make a completely clean break from her.”
“there is so much history and…well, she’s really my only tie to jes….”
“jules, I think maybe we should schedule a second appointment for later this week. to dig into…”
jules was already gone. she was already in the ambulance that night, the thanksgiving what seemed like yesterday and fifty years ago. then she was at the kitchen table when her mom turned to her about shutter. and….the blood….she….oh god….her….jes….she couldn’t even think her entire name. why was this therapist suggesting that she cut off her best friend at a time like this. she didn’t blame her for losing the ba….
“jules, is thursday evening okay for you? I know you like to write thursday nights for the podcast. jules?”
“have you ever lost anything important, doc?”
“jules, julie. we have spoken about the need for boundaries and besides everyone experiences the gravity of their losses in a very personal and individual way. I couldn’t possibly begin to…”
“thursday’s fine. will a check be okay for today?” jules chopped.
“jules you know that I am always here if you..”
jules wrote the check amount in, ripped it from the book and grabbed her backpack and was out in a tornado of movement.
when the door closed behind her, doctor mann let out the breath she’d been holding since jules asked her the personal question about loss. she was glad her next client had cancelled earlier that afternoon.